I just don't know what to do with myself

There's many things I've wanted in life. I've gotten some. Most have fallen through. But in life, like baseball, even a .333 batting average is pretty darn good. Everything comes at you fast.

I don't feel like I've had much focus on what I wanted. And I look back on the past few years, and the one thing I've wanted--well I think I was still too diffuse to get it. Not focused enough.

Or maybe that would not have helped. I"m not a superhero; a crisis on this earth is about as much as I can handle, and that poorly.

Still, it saddens me that knowing the opportunity is lost is what makes me realize the important bits. It wasn't the status or the rules or the noise. It was the person. Their presence in your life. And there's the loss.

You're not going to ever have enough time with a person you value. Maybe with one moment, if you could stretch that moment forever, but they change. You change. and each moment would take an infinity to explore. You don't get that. And if you did, would you even value it? It's the loss that makes you realize the value.

My grandma wanted to be a singer, more than anything. When I realized I would never be a performer, I asked her:
"What do you do, Grandma? What do you do when you can't have the one thing you want?"

She told me:
"You just keep going."